OVERHEARD IN BLOOMFIELD, NJ


“That pearl necklace – is it real?”

“Yes.”

“How can you tell?”

“Well, they say if you rub it against your teeth and they fill gritty, they’re real.”

“I rubbed one on my teeth. It doesn’t feel real.”

“Maybe your teeth are fake.”

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“You’re hogging the jumbo washers!”

“I’m almost done. Sorry.”

“You know, you have so much crap you should be using a service.”

“You should have surgery on your face so you can snag a rich husband with a giant house with jumbo washers.”

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“Oh my God, you got so fat!”

“Oh my God, you got so ugly. I just need to go on a diet. You need to get some surgery.”

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“Hey, gimme a cigarette.”

“No. Sorry. And I’m on the phone.”

“Hey, gimme a cigarette.”

“I said no. I’m on the phone!”

“Hey, give me a cigarette! Now!”

“Get the hell outta here, you freak!”

“Gosh, so rude!”

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“Hi, gimme a egg bagel, taylor ham, lettuce, tomato.”

Saltpeppaketchup?”

“Yeah. Saltpeppaketchup.”

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“Hi, can I help you?”

“Yes. Ten dollars Mega. Cash.”

“Okay.”

“Ooh, it’s chilly in here.”

“No it’s not. There's something wrong with you. Something wrong with your blood. Ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha. You probably can’t feel the cold because of all your layers.”

“I’m only wearing a t-shirt.”

“By layers, I mean fat.”

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“Hi, gimme a bacon egg and cheese on whole wheat toast.”

Saltpeppaketchup?”

“Yeah. Saltpeppaketchup.”

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“Hi, I wanna buy my wife a gift certificate for her birthday.”

“Sure, I can help you. Is it for a dollar amount or for a particular treatment?”

“I want to get her a Slim and Tone body treatment.”

“Uh. Uh. Uh.”

“Should I not get her a Slim and Tone?”

“Aren’t you running the risk of her asking you, ‘So, you think I need to Slim and Tone, do you?’”

“Oh my God. I’ll never, ever be right, will I?”

“No, never. You must learn to embrace being wrong. Forever.”

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“Hi, gimme a sausage, egg, and cheese on a onion bagel.”

Saltpeppaketchup?”

“No.”

“Sorry?”

“No. No saltpeppaketchup.”

“OK. No saltpeppaketchup.”

____________________________________

“Wow, the jackpot is 1.4 billion! If you win, what would you do?”

“Disappear.”


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